Today I saw the cancer doctor. My friend Adrienne Comer went with me. Again, he tried to convince me to have surgery to take lump out. Again, I asked him if he could assure me that it would not come back. I mean that is why I had the double mastectomy in the first place. What I did not know until today, is that when they did the original surgery, they did not take out all the lymph nodes. So basically every time a lump shows up, I have to go through surgery again. He did admit that there was no cure, no matter what it was I decided to do. They do not know at this time if the nodules in my lungs are granulomatous disease or metastatic disease from the original breast cancer. They won't know that till the nodules are bigger and they can biopsy them. What I did not know, and cannot figure out why they would not tell me, is that they also found minimal calcific coronary artery disease. I can only guess it does not matter as it is written all over my medical records that I am terminal and therefore they do not at this time plan on doing anymore tests than what is necessary. I guess in my opinion this is what some are referring to as the death panels. People do not think that this Obama Care has anything to do with our healthcare as Veterans and they are so wrong. I have already been denied certain medical tests and/or blood work via Tricare for Life as well as Medicare, and via the Veterans Administration healthcare because of the fact that I am terminal. The doctor tried to convince me to have the lump surgically removed. So I asked him, with Adrienne sitting there, is this curable? Could he guarantee that these lumps would not come back? And of course he could not. I have a little bit of medical knowledge as I was in the nursing field (CNA) prior to going into the military. I have family who have nursing backgrounds (RN) as well as friends who are nurses and doctors and have done my own research as well about this type of cancer. When you open a person up who has cancer, the oxygen gets into those areas and will help in the spread of the cancer as well. I went through the surgery a couple of years ago out of fear. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never gone through the surgery. The other thing he tried to convince me of, is that it would be a day surgery. I told him that he could not guarantee me that as I am not the average female coming into his office. I have other health issues. He tried to say that the recovery time would be 10-14 days. Again, I said he could not guarantee that as I am not the average female. I have other health issues. I cannot depend on my memory as to how long it took for me to come out of recovery the last time, but it was between 6-12 hours. Because of breathing issues I have. (COPD, Asthma) I also told him that I have limited Home health care in the home and would require more after surgery. He said he would take care of it. Well they did not increase my Home health care after my last surgery and there is no reason to believe they will do it this time, nor the next time, especially with all the cuts they are making in the VA system. Presently am waiting for someone to go to an appointment with me to the Medical Director to discuss why they took away the right for me to swim or use the exercise room at the VA years ago because of these cuts. Their reasoning is, for me to pay out of my pocket to go to the local gym for that. And yet we are promised to be taken care of when we serve our Country. I am disabled because of service to my Country. Why should I have to pay for physical therapy which helps me with my movement? Why have I fought for over 20 years to get them to acknowledge my TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)? And today I just received the paperwork that there was not enough proof that it is service connected. I sent them the medical records that showed the head injury happened while I was in Saudi in 1991. How can I come into the military at the age of 29 and it existed prior to service? I would have been denied entry into the military. Now they want witnesses that can give statements about me falling off the truck. How can the other 15 whom I served with who are now dead be witnesses? Can they track down the medical people who responded when I fell on my head? No, they expect me to do that. This is how they can get away with denying your claim. It does not matter that I have the medical evidence of such claim as well as a civilian doctor who is former military doctor who also supports that I have TBI. Back to the cancer. I will be talking to a few of my closest friends as I did 3 months ago. And I will return to see the cancer doctor in 3 months. I have already talked it over in the past and the it does not makes sense for me to keep having surgery and all these medical appointments and fight to save my life, even when he agrees that this is not curable. All he could guarantee was that I was going to get worse. Having surgery only bides me some time. I have lost the peace that I had and the ability to life life. To enjoy the life I have. And I need to get back to that. This is a hard decision to make as the last 7 years I have really enjoyed the life that I have had. It has not been easy, but I have had many people who have helped to make this life enjoyable and worth living. So although the cancer doctor will follow up with me every 3 months, I have decided that it is best to let go of what is going on. Not to try and control it anymore or think I can control it. I am going to start living life and enjoying what time I have with my friends. Still working on the Facebook issue of deleting stuff as there are many things that I posted in the past that are negative and bring back bad memories. So still in the process of taking care of that. Please know, I understand that different people are in different places in their lives, and I am the last one to judge. But because of all that is going on in my life right now, I need to be surrounded by people who are going to be encouraging and with as little drama as possible. I need to stay as much in a up and positive mood. So if I find that someone on my list that all they have to talk about is drama and negativity, I am going to have to let you go. It is an issue I have being that it has taken me this long to be happy and positive and I cannot risk me going back to where I use to be hopeless and negative all the time. I know we all have our bad days, and I am not talking about that. I am talking about those who all they have is negativity and drama all the time. And it doesn't mean I don't care or love you. Just means I am not in a place where I can deal with it right now. Especially at this point in my life where I am trying so hard not to see hopelessness in my own situation. All I can ask of my friends, is to continue to pray for me in that I will continue to be strong and face what I have in my life. And if Abba Father chooses to take me home, let me do it with bravery. Thanks, Candy
For I know what plans I have in mind for you,' says ADONAI,'plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (Complete Jewish Bible)
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